The day the truth came..

Before I start digressing again, I have something I have to say.
Below is what I had wrote on my laptop on the 29th September, on WORD Document.

"29 September 2007 2:59 PM

This has to be the most difficult piece of writing that I’ve wrote for quite a while.

To everyone who has been concerned about me, and praying for my appeal outcome, I bring bad news.

On 27^th Sept, I had fallen ill in the morning and had a serious headache. Then, my condition worsened so much such that I had vomited twice. I had just recovered from the flu, and that morning was already at school.
Thus, my aunt, and her friend’s son brought me to the clinic nearby my aunt’s house. Once there, the doctor gave me an injection for my splitting headache, and then prescribed me some meds for my inflamed throat and some painkillers.
After the injection, I felt better and so walked back home with my aunt. Once home, I stayed and rested there.

Shortly after I had arrived home, my Aunty connie received a call from my father, and I overheard a large extent of it, and this was when I heard the bad news.

"My father had just received a letter from the school, telling him that my appeal has been
unsuccessful. The school had decided this after much thought and discussion.”
What this essentially means, is that I am no longer able to study in Singapore Polytechnic anymore.

When I had heard about this, my first reaction was not anger, but sadness.
The first thing I said was, “Father, Father, Why have you forsaken me?”
I was essentially quoting what Jesus had said when he was nailed on the cross.

3:16 PM
I’m reaching Woodlands interchange right now, so I ought to be beginning to pack my stuff.
This has indeed been bad news. I hope everything is ok."

Above, was what I had typed down, while I was on my way to church. last saturday, 29th Sept.
What do I think about all that?

Once in church, I first went up to meet up with my CG[Care Group], and have CG time with them. We were having combined CG time with another CG, so there were quite a lot of people in the room.

Anyways, after CG, I had to update my CG members about what was the outcome of my appeal. At that time, I didn't show them the above entry, as they didn't have the time.
Thus, I told them all that had happened, and what I had thought about doing, which was to go into the army and get enlisted.
That was when they told me that, there is another way.
What I could do, is this-- Find a private institution that is able to provide me with a letter of deferment, so I don't have to get enlisted.

But here's the thing: In order for me to get a private institution, the first thing I must do is to find out my interests! What is it that I really want to do!

Here is where lies my biggest problem now.

I really, sincerely don't know what I am interested in, because I have too many interests!

On the one hand, I like to sing, and music has always been something that has held my interests.
Then, there's acting and drama.

Since young, I had attended speech and drama lessons. Thus, I had always been able trained to act, and learn to express myself in front of people. It had also sort of developed me to be not afraid to sing, or perform in front of people. Thus, it has always been a section of interest in my life. I had even been able to be in the acting troupe, and had even acted in Victoria Theatre before for a preformance.
Thus, the only thing is that, for the past two years, I had been too busy in my studies, and had not had much time in going to the acting troupe anymore.

There's still other stuff, like for instance, reading manga, and watching anime.
But I guess they can just be considered pasttimes.

There's still crochet, [something like knitting], which I had picked up at the end of last year. It is something that I really enjoy, and until quite recently, was still doing. The thing about crochet is that, it is something that requires a lot of patience, and concentration, and that is probably one of the reasons why I like it.
Also, there is a sense of achievement whenever I look back at my finished products and say, "I've done it. These are my creations." I don't know. Perhaps this is really what I want to do.
The thing is, is it something that I can make a living out of? Will I be able to survive just by doing it?

I guess, the most important thing is-- It's not just about whether I'm interested into something or not, but also whether realistically, is it really something that can provide me with a livelihood?

I should end now. It's almost time for me to rest.
Maybe the next time I type, I can continue to discuss about the many interests I have.
Goodnight.

Untitled.

There is so much that has happened over all this time.

There is just so much that has happened.

Today is 3rd October. [yea duh.]
Woke up at home, [I'm finally back home] and went down to eat breakfast and stuff.
At around 12, I went out with mother and Grandmother to the nearby Shopping center, first to do some banking stuff, then went to the foodcourt to eat lunch.

After lunch, We went down to the basement supermarket to do some grocery shopping.
While mum and gran were getting the groceries, I went up to the foodcourt to buy some lunch for dad, and my mentally disabled aunt. [Mum's younger sister.]

When I came down, they were done grocery shopping, so I helped them push the trolley while they went to the taxi stop. Then we took a taxi home.

Yea, that's just what happened in the beginning of the day and all that stuff.
But for now, I'd just like to leave it there.

There is so much in my mind. So much that has happened ever since that day.
Since the last time I posted on the blog.
Sometimes I'm just thinking to myself what I've been doing all this time.
I mean, I know what I'm doing, but it's just, I seem to just pass the day,"snap", just like that.

Last week, I was ill, at my aunt's home.
It all started from when I first had a cold.
It was when I had first started to sniff, and sneeze, and stuff like that.
Basically, the flu.
I had the flu for two days, from tuesday to wednesday.
Monday, of that week was still ok, nothing much had happened. School had just started for most of my friends, but as for me, that was another story.

See what I mean, when I say that there is a lot of stuff in my mind?
Because of that, I'm like constantly just going from one thing to another, and as long as I'm alive, this kind of thing will continue on and on.
Just like what the French Mathematician had said, "I think, therefore, I am."
As long as I live, I will think, and there will always be something that will gain my attention, and I will be attracted to it, and fail.
Why will I fail? Because I have failed before.

Enough of that kind of thinking. Pessimism won't get me anywhere. Really.
When you don't know what to do, get help! Don't just sit there whole day, with your stupid sudoku things beside your bad, and your whole life messed up around you!
What is wrong with you? What is wrong with me?

Here's what is wrong: I've just been a selfish, self centred, compulsive person. I'm also a coward, and a hypocrite.
That is why I am here right now, writing all this down.

I shall stop here, and now dedicate another post for what had happened on 27th Sept.