Death.

What is responsiblity?

Once again. I have lied.

What is going on, you may ask.

This:
Today, i was supposed to have a practical at 2.30pm.

What did I do?

I stayed at home, and when it was 1pm plus, I was still playing the piano.
For the whole time, from 1 - 4pm, I was at home, first practicing the piano, then using the laptop, surfing the internet.

Then I left home at 4 to reach school at 4. 40pm.

What i do next is not important.

When I reach home at 10.50pm, my parents asked me what happened, Why I never studied.

I told them just what I had typed down now.

My father reprimanded me, as can be expected, and gave me this grave and seriuos warning--

1]My parents will be approaching my teacher in charge to understand more about today
s situation.

2]Should my father hear of me not going for lessons for 1 more time, he will just disallow me from going to school. [Which essentially means that I will stop schooling. forever.]

Ok.This is serious.

I feel like I'm a crazy person...

I have no idea of how being shameful feels like, or how it feels to have responsibility.

I just feel so foolish.
I do things that at times when I'm not suppoesd to do,
just because I want to do it.

I just do what I feel like doing, but not what i should be doing.

And that I do things because that it would be able to make me feel good.

It seems so selfish, no?

I feel as tho it's like, in front of my friends, I am a person who at least like talks, responds, and all that.
But when I'm in front of my parents, I stutter, and I just can't speak, or have a normal conversation. It's just as tho I was forced to talk to a wall or something.

Everytime I talk to my parents, especially when they're reprimanding me and all that, I don't know what to tell them, and that I have to WILL myself to speak, to think of something to tell them.

Because it's like they ask me like : Why didn't you go lesson? What were you doing?

It's like, whenever I see my father, or more like, whenever he scolds me, and like wants a respond, I just seize up, and don't have answer at all.

The reason? At these times, my mind is really blank. I really don't know what to tell them. If I knew, I would have just told him. The thing is, I don't know.

I highly feel that perhaps, someday, I should go see a counsellor or something, maybe a psychiatrist. Just to see if I have anything wrong with my thinking, or if I have any mental problems or all that.

I mean, it's like, sometimes, whenever I am at low points in my life, they tend to persist, and I find that usually, it may last for one whole night, or sometimes, even days.

I don't know. It's just so... unexplainable.

I really do need help.

I mean, just to let you know, I have this extreme urge, like I have this feeling of wanting to cry. like I want to go take some poison or something. [No, I don't have one beside me.]

What i mean is, I just feel this depression-like feeling, a feeling of sadness. Strangely, even when I want to cry, I just can't. It's this strange thing.

As I said. I feel that somehow, getting help might be the best way.
I just at times, can't seem to control myself.
I don't know. I don't understand why I do all this. It's as tho I have been unconscious all this time, and that something else is controling me or something. Essentially, I feel like I've been letting myself do what my body feels like doing, and all I do, is to be "controlled" by my body, feelings, impulses...

If I could put down in words, what I feel now, I would. But I can't.
It's just this depressing feeling...

Alvin.

[End: 12.07mn GMT +0800]