Death.

What is responsiblity?

Once again. I have lied.

What is going on, you may ask.

This:
Today, i was supposed to have a practical at 2.30pm.

What did I do?

I stayed at home, and when it was 1pm plus, I was still playing the piano.
For the whole time, from 1 - 4pm, I was at home, first practicing the piano, then using the laptop, surfing the internet.

Then I left home at 4 to reach school at 4. 40pm.

What i do next is not important.

When I reach home at 10.50pm, my parents asked me what happened, Why I never studied.

I told them just what I had typed down now.

My father reprimanded me, as can be expected, and gave me this grave and seriuos warning--

1]My parents will be approaching my teacher in charge to understand more about today
s situation.

2]Should my father hear of me not going for lessons for 1 more time, he will just disallow me from going to school. [Which essentially means that I will stop schooling. forever.]

Ok.This is serious.

I feel like I'm a crazy person...

I have no idea of how being shameful feels like, or how it feels to have responsibility.

I just feel so foolish.
I do things that at times when I'm not suppoesd to do,
just because I want to do it.

I just do what I feel like doing, but not what i should be doing.

And that I do things because that it would be able to make me feel good.

It seems so selfish, no?

I feel as tho it's like, in front of my friends, I am a person who at least like talks, responds, and all that.
But when I'm in front of my parents, I stutter, and I just can't speak, or have a normal conversation. It's just as tho I was forced to talk to a wall or something.

Everytime I talk to my parents, especially when they're reprimanding me and all that, I don't know what to tell them, and that I have to WILL myself to speak, to think of something to tell them.

Because it's like they ask me like : Why didn't you go lesson? What were you doing?

It's like, whenever I see my father, or more like, whenever he scolds me, and like wants a respond, I just seize up, and don't have answer at all.

The reason? At these times, my mind is really blank. I really don't know what to tell them. If I knew, I would have just told him. The thing is, I don't know.

I highly feel that perhaps, someday, I should go see a counsellor or something, maybe a psychiatrist. Just to see if I have anything wrong with my thinking, or if I have any mental problems or all that.

I mean, it's like, sometimes, whenever I am at low points in my life, they tend to persist, and I find that usually, it may last for one whole night, or sometimes, even days.

I don't know. It's just so... unexplainable.

I really do need help.

I mean, just to let you know, I have this extreme urge, like I have this feeling of wanting to cry. like I want to go take some poison or something. [No, I don't have one beside me.]

What i mean is, I just feel this depression-like feeling, a feeling of sadness. Strangely, even when I want to cry, I just can't. It's this strange thing.

As I said. I feel that somehow, getting help might be the best way.
I just at times, can't seem to control myself.
I don't know. I don't understand why I do all this. It's as tho I have been unconscious all this time, and that something else is controling me or something. Essentially, I feel like I've been letting myself do what my body feels like doing, and all I do, is to be "controlled" by my body, feelings, impulses...

If I could put down in words, what I feel now, I would. But I can't.
It's just this depressing feeling...

Alvin.

[End: 12.07mn GMT +0800]

Rushing.. Rushing...

Weather: Sunny Morning, then Rainy
PSI:19
Listening: BBC World Service
Location: At Home

Now, I'm just trying to rush thru all my e-learning.

Well, It's been so long since I had the time to write anything...

Here is a little update for my "wonderful" [lol] e-learning week:

07/11-- Went to Sentosa with the Cursaders for a Ministry Outing. Was very fun!! Some of them went into the sea for a little dip, while I just stayed at the shelter for most of the time.. Then they went to play some beach volleyball.. I drew the boundary for them to play... haha...Soon, it was getting late... So, many of us went over to the public bathrooms, where we bathed [I had my first experience of how to bathe without a towel... Interesting!!] After the trip, we went over to Vivo City (A nearby shopping centre.) for dinner. I had some noodles, and was able to talk with Khalis, and Joel...

09/11-- Went back to school at around 4 plus to do my e-learning... Met Jason, Khalis, and Fiona at T15, where we all studied together.... [This also happens to be the 1st time that I actually studied there for e-learning..] After that, We went over to Vivo City to meet up with Jocelyn and another crusader. After meeting them, we had dinner with them at a food court. While we were eating, they talked about the Christian ship "Doulos", so we decided to go to see it. Before going to see it, I remembered that I had to go and buy my shampoo {I had lost it the week before..]

After that, We went to the 2nd floor of Vivo City to see it from a distance. It may be smaller than a normal luxury cruise ship, but it still quite large... It was about 400 meters in length, and quite high too, around a 3-4 storey building. Anyways, we soon decided it would be better for us to approach the ship itself for a closer look. We went forward and talked to one of the crew members, who was from India. He told us about the ship, and gave each of us some brochures about it. We decided to go onto it the very next day so that we could go for the "International Cafe", some kind of showcase of the ship, and it's ministry.

Ok. So today, I'll talk about these 2 days first. As for the 10th and 11th, I will leave it for another day.

Now, I have to continue my schoolwork, prepare for tomorrow's test, and also to go eat my dinner. Hope I have shared something interesting today.

I shall end this with this bible verse:

1Peter 1:22- Now that you have purified yourself by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart.

May we all be able to achieve this...

PS: I'm still trying to improve day by day. But I still have difficulties waking up.. Tonight, I shall try to sleep as early as I can, so as to help me better wake up. Hope I can succeed.

Pray for me. Thank you.

Serxerius [aka Alvin]

[End: 10.31pm GMT +800]

Reflections of A Troubled Heart

Weather: Sunny Morning...
PSI: 35
Listening: Nothing
Location: RWP Lesson

I have a confession to make: I lied to all of you.

On the 31st of October, I DIDN'T attend the practical. I made it up.
Call it a guilty conscience, but I felt that it could not go on...

Why am I doing all this? Why?? After all that I did last Sem, hadn't I learn't anything??
This is just one of the things that has been troubling me:

Monday moring-- Skipped MorningTutorial lesson because I overslept.
Tuesday afternoon--Didn't go for tutorial because I was late
Wednesday--Skipped Morning's IDEAs lesson because I overslept.

I just don't understand!!!! This is just insane... I feel now as tho I have this huge burden, as this is not the first week.. Just observe::

I had missed 3 Tutorials [1st-2nd Wk, 4th Wk]
I had missed all 5 Practicals [Up till now..]
I had missed 3 IDEAs lessons [3rd-5th{this}Wk]

And this is the most absurd and crazy part of all-- I NEVER missed any of the Thursday or Friday lessons!?!?!

I can only come to one conclusion: I have been trying to avoid all these lessons for a reason.. The thing now is, WHY? why have I been avoiding them??

Oh God!! I feel so foolish.. What is the matter with me? Why the heck am I avoiding all these lessons??? If this does not change, I WILL FAIL!!!!

Whoever it was that sent me the comment on [3oth Oct]'s post, please leave me with a name. Perhaps you can pray for me or something...

I put up this plea to all that who are reading this--If you are someone close to me, who knows me, please approach me. I also hope that you may pray for me, and reply to my post.

I need help. I'm on the verge of hope now.. I feel so trapped and confused.

Thank you.

Serxerius [aka Alvin]

[End: 9.51 am GMT+0800]